Sometimes I wonder: "What the hell is going on in my world?" I always do what has to be done. Most of the time I am so bogged down with what I have to do, that I have no time to do what I want to do. There, is yet another question left unanswered. What "DO" I want to do? I want to be able to run in fields of wild grass, cast a spell at the tip top of the Blue Ridge Mountains, I want to live and feel like I am alive. Most of the time I am just numb. I feel like I am pretending to be alive. Surviving off other people's energy. I know now why I chose the type of friends that I chose: strong independent men and women. They have mastered the ability to stand up to the world. They say and do exactly what they want. I surround myself with these dominant people so I can draw that energy from them. I use it to make me strong. It makes me feel like I can stand up to the world and say,"Fuck You I'm Alive!!" Then again when they're not here, what's left? Just me. Where is my energy? What do I exude? I can't answer that question. Why? you ask. I'm to busy sucking the life-force from others. Yep, I'm an Energy Vampire. It turns out, I'm just a compilation of the energies I choose to absorb and manipulate. My little sister tells people, that I am the most powerful person she knows. I have been told on more than one occasion, That I have a larger than life presence. When they say these things, I feel the honesty in their emotion. I see the truth in their eyes, so I know the real me is present. I'm here, deep inside, somewhere. I feel the real me sometimes. I can get completely lost in the smile of a baby. That's me. Yes, That's me that notices the innocence in that child's eyes. The innocence that I lost so many years ago. That's me wanting to feel that complete wholeness I felt as a child. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment I lost it. That way I could examine it and find my way back. I want to know that everything is going to be OK, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My heart aches for one-second of that serenity. I want so much to discover myself again. I want to stare into my reflection, look deep into my big brown eyes, and see me. I wanna see that spark of hope and the eternal flame of magick. I know it's still there. It's still burning under all that pain and sorrow. What's really bad is I know why it has become just a spark. I stopped fueling it. I stopped giving it the things it needed to remain kindled and hot. I lost the Magick in my life. I lost the beauty that I use to see in everything. I've stopped enjoying the small stuff. I have totally forgotten that it only takes a moment to whisper a chant for a stranger, or pick up a baby frog and pet it, or just sit in silence and listen. At some point I stopped falling in Love. I wanna Love again!!!
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